Months ago Kiki posted a question about why we write. One of my responses had to do with the love of research, learning, and discovery. Ten-plus years ago, when I began Sanctuary, research consisted of bullshitting my way through a scene and focusing on the romance. Now, research means raiding the Internet for all the information I can lay my hands on, making phone calls to three different people for their expert opinion, and quite possibly annoying the fuck out of my husband by asking him stupid questions before he's had his second cup of coffee. I'm a morning person. He is not.
Today I have been learning about what it's like to be with and take care of someone you love who is dying. (Not personally.) Caring.com doesn't cut it here. I stumbled across a blog, which linked to another blog, which linked to another one, and on and on... I have had a glut of heartache tonight, and more information and personal experience than I know what to do with.
Today I have learned about MRIs, brain scans, chemotherapy side effects, seizures, memory loss, and blindness.
Today I have learned that I am an extremely lucky woman. I knew this already, because every time we sit down to dinner together, Brian says grace (believe it or not), I close my eyes and take a deep breath, filling myself easily with gratitude for the gifts I have been given. It feels so good I don't want to breathe out; I don't want the moment to end. But when it does, I open my eyes and see my family on either side of me, the myriad shades of green on the trees that surround our house, the soft beauty of the kitchen table my father made for us, and I feel twice-blessed, blessed that I have these gifts, and blessed that I am cognizant and coherent enough to appreciate them.
I have shitty days. I have mood swings, and some days I am so insanely self-centered that I think these things actually matter in the Grand Scheme. They don't. They're bullshit.
What matters most to me right now, at this moment, 12:53 AM, May 15th, is respect, compassion, gratitude, and love.
It's late, I'm maudlin, and I'm off to bed before I contradict myself and become a not-so-morning person in seven hours or so.
Sorry to have missed you this evening. Hope to check in with you soon.
~Andi