The Pit of Despair

I don't usually talk about my depression, because, well, it is depressing. And nobody really wants to hear my poor me poor me bullshit. Years ago I told my doctor I was depressed and she offered me a prescription, which I declined, thinking that I had plenty of reasons to be depressed (I have too many debts, not enough income, one of my sons has CF, I never get enough sleep, my father wasn't there for me during my formative years, blah blah blah) and that I could work it out on my own. I could fix it if I could just get enough sleep and run and do yoga and eat right and think good thoughts. Over the last few years there have been many times that I've second-guessed this decision, and found other ways to self-medicate. I look at my life and all that is good in it (I live in a beautiful place, I have a fantastic husband who adores me, my kids are awesome) and I think, how can I be depressed? But I am. For the last few weeks it has been building, and this is what happens to me. I can't really call it PMS because it is more like 3 weeks out of the month that I feel this way. Ug.

When I try to figure it out, here's the thing that seems to really be bothering me, and it might sound silly to you but I'm going to tell you anyway. I don't feel like I am doing anything to make the world a better place. And, if I am not a part of the solution, then I must be part of the problem. Is this flawed thinking?

We have talked before about how writers seem to be more depressed than other people. I once looked up how many writers had committed suicide and it was a list that went on for pages and pages. But I was thinking, maybe its not that writers are depressed, but that many many people are depressed, writers just write about it.

So how has this affected my writing? Well, I haven't done much. But I will crawl out of this pit, once again, like I always do, and I'll get the latest assignment done. I am thankful to have that goal, and to know that someone will read what I wrote. Thanks guys. I'm on the upswing. Things are looking brighter. Maybe next time I'll call for help before I reach the bottom of the pit. Will you throw me a line?