I don't usually talk about my depression, because, well, it is depressing. And nobody really wants to hear my poor me poor me bullshit. Years ago I told my doctor I was depressed and she offered me a prescription, which I declined, thinking that I had plenty of reasons to be depressed (I have too many debts, not enough income, one of my sons has CF, I never get enough sleep, my father wasn't there for me during my formative years, blah blah blah) and that I could work it out on my own. I could fix it if I could just get enough sleep and run and do yoga and eat right and think good thoughts. Over the last few years there have been many times that I've second-guessed this decision, and found other ways to self-medicate. I look at my life and all that is good in it (I live in a beautiful place, I have a fantastic husband who adores me, my kids are awesome) and I think, how can I be depressed? But I am. For the last few weeks it has been building, and this is what happens to me. I can't really call it PMS because it is more like 3 weeks out of the month that I feel this way. Ug.
When I try to figure it out, here's the thing that seems to really be bothering me, and it might sound silly to you but I'm going to tell you anyway. I don't feel like I am doing anything to make the world a better place. And, if I am not a part of the solution, then I must be part of the problem. Is this flawed thinking?
We have talked before about how writers seem to be more depressed than other people. I once looked up how many writers had committed suicide and it was a list that went on for pages and pages. But I was thinking, maybe its not that writers are depressed, but that many many people are depressed, writers just write about it.
So how has this affected my writing? Well, I haven't done much. But I will crawl out of this pit, once again, like I always do, and I'll get the latest assignment done. I am thankful to have that goal, and to know that someone will read what I wrote. Thanks guys. I'm on the upswing. Things are looking brighter. Maybe next time I'll call for help before I reach the bottom of the pit. Will you throw me a line?
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Forgive me for saying this, but I'm really sorry that you're feeling like shit. Since I don't know you very well, I don't know how you'll take it - and I would hate it if you thought I was offering pity or some other useless sentiment. And I can't say that I know exactly how you're feeling - I have my own particular pits, and I"m sure the decor is slightly different. But a pit is a pit. And it while it's kinda nice to hang out in a cave every now and again, the bitch of being in a pit is being stuck there, being trapped. At least that's how it is for me.
ReplyDeleteIn response to your question about being part of the solution or part of the problem - first let me say that I don't think it's silly. I dislike the saying because it's such a black-and-white statement, although I understand the concept and the need for a simple way to express it.
I don't know what to tell you as far as your own role - for me, if I'm remotely stable I feel like I'm doing the world a favor by not freaking out all over the place. But that's a convenient thing and probably a cop-out. I do know that if I focused on what I'm not doing, as opposed to what I am doing, I would for sure lose what little is left of my sanity.
The way I see it, we're all a bit of both. Maybe it's worth giving yourself credit for the little things you to contribute to the general well-being of the world - and, failing that, give yourself credit for getting out of bed in the morning and being a good mother and a decent human being in a really hard situation.
And the next time you need a line, just holler. Consider the rope thrown.
Andi is right to say it's not a black and white issue, either being part of the solution or part of the problem. But I would argue strongly that you *are* part of the solution already, just by many choices that you make in your life -- doing things "green," eating vegetarian, teaching your kids tolerance and open-mindedness. Is the problem maybe that you want to do *more*? That's a different issue, I think, but we can talk that one out.
ReplyDeleteAlso? I'd be really, seriously pissed if you didn't let me know when you're feeling down. Life isn't always rainbow peace unicorn bongs. I'm here for it all.
Have faith in yourself, sistah. You're a better and stronger person than you know.
and since i can't get it out of my head, here's a word or two from one of my favorite writers:
ReplyDelete"The world always seems brighter when you've just made something that wasn't there before."
~Neil Gaiman