Speaking of Self-Consciousness...

I spent waaaaaaayyyyy too long at THE MALL yesterday, of all places. Let me say first that I NEVER go to the mall, and I remembered why yesterday. It sucks. But I had to buy a bra, because my favorite one, that I bought over ten years ago, finally broke last weekend. It was a black cotton underwire from Victoria's Secret (TMI?) and it was wicked comfortable. So I thought I'd go back to Victoria's Secret for another one.

Along the way, I got distracted by all the pretty lights and advertisements for buy one get one at 1/2 price, etc., etc. (although I was able to resist the temptation of mall pizza...) I was also secretly hoping to find the perfect comfy summer t-shirt dress (that doesn't seem to exist). And so I went into all these completely ridiculous stores made, apparently, for little girls hoping to be porn stars when they grow up. It was either that or the stores geared towards their GRANDMOTHERS, who I suppose are my cohort, although I couldn't relate to that extreme either. To be fair, there was ONE store in the mall where I felt somewhat comfortable (the outdoor gear store) and actually found a nice t-shirt sort of dress on the sale rack, but it was the wrong size (of course!!).

I was very disappointed when I finally arrived at Victoria's Secret only to find that they don't carry my favorite bra anymore, and only had one style of cotton bra, and most don't actually cover your entire breast (they are these stupid 1/2 cup sort of things. Even worse, every single fucking bra in the place was "lined" (ie. padded), and/or a "push-up" bra. When I was a kid, girls did this with tp or socks. I think it is completely ridiculous and false advertising. If you care that much about having bigger boobs, go out and get a boob job fcol. What about those of us who actually DO have breasts and just want something supportive and comfortable? I guess we go to SEARS.

Well, I did manage to get one bra there from their "Nakeds" series that is pretty comfortable. Then I went to Sears and JC Penny and didn't find anything there either. Disappointed, I wandered back through the mall. Where were all the cute clothes? I stepped into the Maternity Shop. They had some nice stuff. But I couldn't bear to buy maternity clothes when I am so totally done with that part of my life.

Where do I fit in? And who wears these freaking clothes? Looking at the (mostly overweight) young women who worked and shopped in the stores I thought, I would probably look better in these outfits than many of them. But who wants to wear this ridiculous shit? 

And back to the original point which is self-consciousness. I found myself feeling like an imposter - what am I, this over-40 year old woman (I really don't look it) doing shopping in these teeny-bopper stores? A voice in my mind kept asking, wondering if others were looking at me, thinking, what's that OLD LADY doing in here? Kids these days. Don't know how to dress. Their sense of fashion is terrible. Then I think of the 80s. Talk about terrible fashion! But WE didn't choose, just like now I can't choose what I really want, I just have to choose what is available, and there is a huge gap between the two.

So I left the mall, went to the liquor store, bought a bottle of tequilla and went home. So what if my sense of style is different...so what if I have to do all my shopping at Goodwill or online...so what if the only store where I feel comfortable is the outdoor gear or running store (or, um, the liquor store)? I am more confident than I ever have been in my life. I know who I am and what I want and that is a good feeling.